Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Everything and nothing

I’m sitting here on the plane, staring out the window at the indescribable landscape of Honduras, and trying to make sense of my leaving.  I began this journey in tears and I am ending it in tears.  The only thing that comes to mind is, “God is so good!”  I am leaving Honduras a very different person – my view on life and what truly matters is so much greater now. 

When I first moved to Honduras, I lived with a self-centered attitude.  I would have never admitted that, and maybe it’s because I didn’t realize it, but I made so much of this life about me.  I spent the first month being so concerned about what I was feeling and didn’t take the time to focus on accepting the journey and seeing what God wanted me to see.  I wanted everything to be “comfortable” – hot showers, a “nice” car, “normal” food…overall easiness.  I remember feeling insecure about my personality.  I handled situations and thought about things differently than everyone else did.  At times I felt like I didn’t belong, but I came to realize that the only reason I felt that way was because I was making myself feel that way.  I didn’t always get along with people, and we had our share of “situations,” but I needed it.  I have spent my whole life being praised for who I am and I felt like the same should be happening to me in Honduras. 

And then it happened…

Somewhere along this journey, I realized that this life has absolutely nothing to do about me.  I am not the one who allowed this opportunity, I am not the one who worked to teach, I am not the one who fed the hungry, I am not the one who changed lives – it was Christ.  I am merely the body that God chose to use.  All that has been done has been done in His name and His name alone.  I am thankful that God has blessed me with abilities and opportunities, but our daily lives are not about our own fulfillment, but the fulfillment that comes from Christ. 

I have spent my whole life believing in God, but believing in God and knowing God are two very different things.  I encountered God in Honduras – I truly met Him for the first time.  Before, I was so focused on looking like the “perfect” Christian – good attitude, go to church, go on mission trips, pray, read my Bible, etc.  Want to know something?  That has so little to do with being the people God truly wants us to be.  I’m not saying not to do those things, we are called to do those things to strengthen our walk, but until we fully submit our lives to Christ and accept our nothingness, we will never really know Him.  Until we realize that we are nothing without Christ, we will live empty lives, constantly seeking and never knowing why it is we feel that way.

During my time in Honduras, God was able to use us to accomplish the following:

·  Provide schools supplies for Honors Academy Honduras
·  Provide shoes, clothing, food and other necessities for gang families
·  Provide shoes, clothing, food and other necessities for teen girls
·  Financially support families in need
·  Help send children to school
·  Allow one young girl the opportunity to play in her school band

I have never seen God more alive in one place.  He always, always found a way to provide.  God would stretch me and I would find myself in moments of worry or panic about finances, but the support always came at the exact moment it was needed.  I really found what it means to fully rely on the Lord and His provision.  No one can provide in the way our Lord does.

I come away from this experience feeling more burdened, but more humbled and thankful than ever.  My vision has been reset…forever.  God didn’t send me to Honduras to do a work, He sent me to Honduras so that He could do a work inside of me.  I entered Honduras feeling like I deserved all the good life had to bring, and I leave Honduras feeling so unworthy, which is the best feeling.  Until we realize that we are nothing, God cannot be our everything.  It is only when Christ becomes our entire world that He will be able to use us up, and I strongly believe that we will never be truly satisfied with our lives until we get to a place where we are no longer living for ourselves and our desires, but for our God and His desires.  My prayer is that we would all find this and live it out.  My prayer is that God would continue to move in Honduras and that the people will be provided for.  My prayer is that we all become ruined…that we realize and accept our unworthiness and that we choose to be Christ in a dark world.  To everyone who has kept up with my journey, thank you!  Thank you for loving, supporting, praying and believing in this mission.  May we all accept the call and go!

“God does everything through people who understand they’re nothing.  And God does nothing through those who think they’re everything.”
John Wood

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