One month

One month…how is it possible that I only have one month left in Honduras?  I will be honest and tell you that I am in serious burn-out mode right now.  I’m guessing this must happen in any and every school setting, no matter the country.  I wish that I could just spend the last month visiting people, doing ministry and just hanging out with my kids.  I’m still trying to gather my thoughts on how I feel about leaving; some days I’m ready, other days I’m not. 

The blessed part of all this is that God has made it very clear what my next move should be.  I am a firm believer that God always wins out in the end and that you will ultimately end up doing what HE wants.  I struggled with my decision on coming back to Honduras for another year or moving home.  While I love this country, the people and my life here, God has boldly spoken and has shown me that I am to be in Haywood County.  I truly believe there is work to be done there, especially with teens, and I pray God uses me in a mighty way. 

For the last few months, there has been a certain “distraction” in my life.  Unfortunately, it can be so easy to get caught-up in situations that may make you happy for a little while, but turn out to not be so great for you as a person.  I felt like I wasn’t getting any answers about what I was supposed to do and God kept telling me to let this “distraction” go.  Well, as God would have it, when I finally sat down and was honest with myself and decided to move past this area of my life, doors flew open in a matter of days.  It is almost like God was/is just laying opportunity after opportunity in my lap.  Isn’t it incredible how God works when we remove our selfish desires and just let him do the dirty work?  I am still very guilty of (sometimes) thinking that I can do it better…ha, that’s a joke.  I encourage you to lay aside your distractions - let go and let God!  I know it isn’t an easy task, but it’s a worthwhile one!

As I am only one month out from leaving this part of my life, I want to say THANK YOU!  I know it may be repetitive, but thank you for the prayers, financial support and unwavering love.  I ask that you continue to pray for me and consider supporting this mission.  There is still work to be done and areas I would like to bless, however, I cannot do this without you!  Learning and accepting a life of relying on others for your financial needs has been one of the hardest but best experiences of this journey.  There have been so many times when I had no money and needs that had to be provided for.  I remember nights where I would just sit in my bed and cry because I didn’t know where the money would come from, but God has always provided!  The money always came at the right time and in the right amount.  Words of wisdom, love and encouragement always come when I need to hear them.  God has proved over and over that He is a gracious God who wants so badly to bless us.  I know God will send support during my last month here and I am grateful that He is speaking to so many of your hearts!  Outside of God, you keep me going and I am forever grateful for your loving spirits and generous hearts.

Let’s make it a great last month!  Let’s make our impression on Honduras!

If you would like to financially support Lauren and her mission in Honduras, you may send cash or check to:

Canton First Baptist Church

74 Academy Street

Canton, NC 28716

*please make checks payable to Canton First Baptist and write “Lauren Wood” on the memo line

Inside the 53

53...that's how many days I have left in Honduras.  I've been experiencing a sense of deja vu lately because I am being asked the same questions I was getting before I moved.  "Are you excited?  Are you nervous?  How do you feel?  Are you ready?"  Funny thing is, I don't really know how I feel.  I have days where I'm so ready to go home and live a "normal" life again.  Yesterday was one of those days.  All I wanted was to get in my car and drive wherever I wanted.  I feel like I'm yearning for freedom, but what I've realized is that this "freedom" I am so longing for is usually centered around something of material worth.  Can't really call that freedom.  Other days, it terrifies me to think about leaving.  This has been my home for 8 months and there are so many people that are now a part of my life.  Not to mention, there are some decisions I will have to face and make when I get home.  I'm not so sure that I'm ready for some of it.

Want to know something crazy?  Part of me worries that my friends won't like me as much anymore.  I'm not the same person.  Now, yes, I am still "me" in a lot of ways, but a lot about me has changed.  Interests that I had before do not seem like such a big deal anymore.  While I was home over Christmas, there were times when I found myself having a hard time connecting to certain conversations because I felt distant or like I couldn't relate anymore.  This goes back to the whole "ruined" thing...the mission field ruins you forever.

For those of you who didn't know, my family came to visit me last week.  It was the most incredible time and a tremendous blessing!  Be on the lookout in the next few days...they are going to guest blog.  Anyway...having my family here really brought to reality the fact that I'm moving home in 53 days.  Now, us missionaries don't really make a lot of money, so looks like I'll be moving in with the parents.  This is another aspect that terrifies me.  I love my family, but I haven't lived at home since I was 18 years old.  Honestly, I feel kind of lame...25 years old and moving in with mom and dad.  I've been independent for so long.  I am not doubting my decision to come home; I feel 110% confident.  However, I am still human and selfishly want so many things.  I want a job in a middle school, I want to coach cheerleading, I want my own place, I want to volunteer, I want to go to grad school...basically, I want everything I can possibly fit on my plate . I think God tends to laugh at me on a regular basis.  I will make plans, worry, make plans and worry some more until I'm blue in the face.  For example, I have e-mailed principals, updated applications/resumes, reserached organizations and grad school and everything in between.  Do you think I've heard anything?  Why no!  I think there is this thing called trust, but I'm still working on that one.

Basically, I'm kind of all over the place.  Not really sure what I'm thinking about anything.  All I know is that I'm itching to do something great!  But for now, I'm doing my Honduras-thing and trying to really live inside the 53.

Lauren

If you feel led to support this mission in Honduras or my upcoming mission to Africa, please send donations to:

Canton First Baptist Church
Attn: Lauren Wood
74 Academy St.
Canton, NC 28716
*please specify "Honduras" or "Africa" on the memo line

Thank you for your continuous support through prayer, encouragement and financial donation(s).  It is because of your generous hearts that so many lives have been and will continue to be helped and provided for!  I am forever grateful!

To live is what?

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain

Philippians 1:21

I keep reading and pondering over this verse.  I think we spend our whole lives searching for the meaning of life when the whole time it was simply written, thousands of years ago, in four words – “to live is Christ.”  Without spilling the beans on my recent journal entries, I have been battling some decisions in my life lately.  Life, love, right, wrong, go, stay.  The overwhelming occurrence of some and the lack of others has really placed a bad taste in my mouth the last few weeks. 

To be honest, I get really irritated when I’m living my life, quite happily may I add, and then something unexpected comes and puts a twist in everything.  Now, that isn’t to say you don’t like that certain thing, but sometimes it isn’t the best thing.  I have this zany desire to want to be “perfect.”  I know that is unattainable, as it should be because there was ever only one perfect individual, but I tend to place a lot of pressure on myself.  Selfishly, one of my highest goals when I moved to Honduras was that it would cause me to become a better person and Christian.  Now, I will say that so much of my walk and my ideals as a person have become strengthened and have improved.  However, over the last few weeks, there are certain “parts” of my life that have really blinded and distracted me from who I am and want to be.  I am not going to give all the details, but I have come to the realization that I am the hardest person to forgive.  I get so angry with myself because I talk the talk but I don’t always walk the walk.  I know, I know…we are human…we mess up…blah, blah, blah.  I don’t want to make excuses.  The worst part is knowing that your decisions not only affect you, but they affect those who believe in you and love you. 

I have always been a people pleaser.  I need to work on being a God pleaser.  I have been so focused on wanting to please others – saying the right things, liking the right people, etc. – that I’ve forsaken a lot of what I am hoping for and a lot of what God may be trying to do.  I don’t want to live a life feeling like I have to give reason or justification to my decisions.  Sometimes you just want people to trust you and believe in your efforts. 

To live is Christ.  To live like Him, to love like Him, to trust like Him and to forgive like Him.  I’m trying, but sometimes it gets really hard and I slip.  There is this one “part” of my life that resurfaced a couple of months ago and I have tried so hard to handle it in the right way, but somewhere in it I lost sight of the right way.  It was when I recognized this that the above verse really resonated with me.  I was not living this part of my life like Christ, and to be honest, I’m still figuring it out.  I guess my hope is that my efforts will be recognized and there will be reward in the end…not for me but for this “part” of my life.

So, this is where I am and this is what I am learning but still trying to fully grasp:

We are not living until we are living in Christ.  Until our every being is about Him, we are dead inside.  Until our attitudes, our decisions, our words, our money, our relationships, our everything is about Him, we are empty.  But, when we are living in Him, we no longer have to fear death but can rejoice in life.  To live for Christ in this world is only a small piece of the fulfillment that we will completely receive in the next world.  Our goal should not be to simply live life getting by and occasionally trying to do what is right, but to live in Christ all the time because our lives are just beginning at the end of this life.  I don’t know about you, but I’d like to start off with a good track record!  

Life ramblings

This past week has been a very exciting one!  My dear friend, Jen, came to visit me.  I had been anxiously anticipating her visit and the week went by so quickly.  I was able to take her through my daily life here in Honduras, as well as show her around this part of the country.  We visited Valle de Angeles and did a little local shopping, ate some authentic Honduran comida, ministered to the women and children of the gang village, made bracelets and airplanes with the kids at school and enjoyed much needed girl time.  I am so grateful for the sacrifices she made to come here and for all she brought with her.  I know it is not an easy trip to make and it definitely brings some challenges, but it was a blessing all the way around.  Her visit really got me hopeful for my upcoming time at home.

It has been a couple of weeks since I last wrote and my heart and head have been in constant movement.  I tend to be someone who is very planned out and organized (just ask my mother about my color-coordinated closet).  My “plan” has been to permanently move home in June and spend the upcoming year with my sister.  She will be a senior in high school and I have missed out on most of her childhood and growing up.  My heart has been set on moving back and finding my place in the “normal” world again.  While God has given me peace about this decision, it is still a hard one to make. 

Two weeks ago we were visiting in the gang village.  I have written about Norma before; she owns a pulperia (corner store), has three sons and a daughter and always feeds us when we visit.  Her oldest son is in prison for being a gang member, her middle son is continuously on the run from the police because of suspected gang activity and her younger son and daughter live in the midst of police raids and fear.  During this particular visit, we walked in to visit Norma and you could immediately see the worry on her face.  A few minutes prior we had heard gunshots.  After speaking with Norma, we were told that the police were in the village searching for her son who had just left after eating a quick meal and showering.  She was frantically calling her son but he was not answering.  Had the gunshots been directed at him?  In the midst of all this, she remains a gracious hostess and serves us homemade food.  This is when it happens.  I begin to feel as if I am having a panic attack; I am hot, having a hard time breathing and am overcome with emotion.  I realize that I cannot break down in front of her.  Norma finally reaches her son to find out that he is okay but she is telling him to be careful because the police are after him.  Here I am, sitting in her house, eating her food and witnessing a small glimpse of what her life is every single day – terror, desperation, worry.  All I kept thinking was, “How do you leave…how do you go back to United States?”  Once we left and got in the car, I broke down and spent the remainder of the evening crying and trying to make sense of it all.

That is where I am today – trying to make sense of it all.  Honestly, I don’t know if any of us can make sense of it.  Before I began this journey, I imagined it to be a certain way and it has been far from that expectation.  The setting is different from what I expected, there have been new friendships and loss of friendships, overwhelming loneliness but comfort at the same time, unexpected temptations and needed realizations, bold answers and confusion, hope and despair.  I am terrified about coming back to the United States.  I am afraid of conforming to the selfishness and easiness it so boldly offers.  I am afraid of what people will think of me because I am different from who I was before.  I am worried that I will be bored.  I am worried that I won’t be doing enough.  Notice how many times I said “I”?  That’s the one thing I am still working on – this is not about me and my wants and my worries.  This, whatever “this” is, is about Christ – His work, His name, and His grace. 

Grace.  That’s a whole blog series in itself.  Amidst all of my rambling, the concept of grace is what I hope to take away from my time in Honduras.  Grace is God’s unmerited favor and sufficiency in our lives.  Unmerited favor…do you realize that God’s love for us does not change based on what we do or do not do?  This whole time I kept thinking that if I wasn’t constantly pushing myself and doing as much as I could then God was going to be disappointed in me or love me less.  Apparently I haven’t been listening in church. 

So, whether we are serving as a missionary in a foreign country, teaching in a school in the states, waiting tables, writing speeding tickets or whatever it is you may be doing, God’s grace is covering you.  He can use you and bless you right where you are acting as who you are – good or bad.  I pray that you and I would grow to gain a deeper understanding of this grace and that we would never take it for granted.

I ask that you would pray for me as I prepare to leave Honduras in June.  I know God has prepared the path and I choose to stand hopeful in the plans ahead.

What do I have to do with anything?

Before I moved to Honduras, many people spoke to me about how I needed to prepare myself because God would test me on the mission field in ways that I had never experienced before.  They weren’t kidding.  I think when you make the decision to distance yourself from everything familiar and comfortable, the challenges of life become significantly magnified. 

I grew up living comfortably.  My parents have always been hard workers and my dad always made sure we had what we needed, and for the most part, what we wanted.  When you’re a child, you are so naïve about reality.  You don’t realize the struggles, sacrifices and hardships that may be alive around you.  Wouldn’t you love to go back to childhood?

Over the last 3 years, my family has experienced more loss, heartache and uncertainty than I thought possible.  The loss of loved ones – both unexpected and expected, my dad losing his job and our family struggling to get by, working through emotions of anger and misunderstanding, me moving out of the country with no means of income and my dad having a heart attack just this past Sunday.  That doesn’t even include the tests that we have either kept to ourselves or experienced as individuals.  During my time in Honduras, my faith has been questioned and tested, feelings have been hurt and bouts of loneliness have masked all other emotions.  There have been times when I felt like my body would just give way to the overwhelming sensation of hopelessness.  You always think, “it couldn’t get much worse,” but sometimes it can.

You know what is so beautiful about this grey picture?  God has been and is alive in it all!  When we thought our sadness of losing loved ones would never go away, we were restored with the hope that they are living in the presence of Christ.  When worries of financial strains flooded our daily thoughts, God provided in only ways that He could.  When sickness struck and family was miles away, God was the ultimate Healer.  If our lives were always easy and effortless, there would be no reason for God and His power.  We are merely the bodies that God has chosen to live out the plans He created.  God is not some evil man in the sky who chooses to release havoc and hurt on those of us below.  Rather, God places us in situations where He knows we will grow and learn, and that growth will come because we have to get to a place where we have no other choice but to call out to Him.  None of this is about us and it never has been.  It is all about a God who loved us so much that HE sacrificed it all through his son.  He is alive in all things and our lives are about bringing glory to His name and nothing else. 

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake."

-Victor Hugo

Take a glimpse

I wanted to take some time to really give you a solid picture of what God is allowing us to do in Honduras.  He has opened the door to many ministry opportunities and is continuing to bring forth many others.

As I have shared before, we travel to Los Estados Unidos (18^th Street gang village) every Monday.  We meet with the homies’ (gang members in prison) families and the guys play soccer with the kids.  We start off the afternoon in one house and have bible study with a local family.  For fun, we have been teaching them how to cook certain foods and have played some really hilarious games. 

We tied donuts to strings and raced to see who could eat them the fastest!  So funny!

Once we are finished, we walk to another house and visit with a very special family.  They are an older couple that just recently had a baby girl, along with having three other daughters and an older son.  The father has been out of work for months and has no way of providing for his family.  God, however, always provides and someone has volunteered to support this family every month.  The girls are dying to go to school but they have not had the funds, so this monthly support is helping the young girls attend school.  When we visited last week, we walked in the home to find the baby screaming and the mother all alone and struggling to keep strong.  Stress and worry flooded her face but she put on a smile for us.  We sat down with her and we shared with her that her family would be receiving support money every month.  She began to cry and relief took over sadness. 

Our last stop every Monday is Norma’s pulperia (corner store).  Norma is a precious woman with a teenage son and daughter.  She also has an older son who is in prison.  Every week, Norma prepares food for us and offers us a place to sit and relax.  She refuses to take money for the food she prepares.  Language is still a barrier for me but no words are needed when you look at her face – tired, afraid and weary.  The police raid her home on a weekly basis because they are purposely looking for a reason to cause trouble.  The police know that her oldest son is in prison for gang activity and they are hoping to accuse her younger son of the same offense.  However, he is innocent.  When we visited two weeks ago, her younger son was gone.  The police had raided her home at 4 in the morning the Thursday before and beat him.  They saw the boy wearing Nike tennis shoes (Nike is one symbol for the 18^th Street gang) and came to attack him.  Because she was fearful of what may happen, Norma sent her son away for a couple of weeks.  Her daughter lives in fear and suffers from panic attacks on a regular basis.

If you read my previous post, you heard about the family that lives in severe poverty by the river.  We saw the need and prayed that God will allow us to help this family.  Because of the financial support I receive from so many generous hearts, myself and another person were able to fully supply new clothes, shoes and other necessities for this family of almost 30.  Last Saturday, we spent our morning and afternoon bathing the children, cutting and styling everyone’s hair, painting nails, dressing them in their new clothes and taking individual/family photos of them.  There are no men that live there because they are in prison.  Due to this, they never get to see their family.  The photos that were taken will be shared and given to the men in prison, which will be one of the only connections they still have to their families.

 Every other Tuesday, Ms. Lisa and myself lead a teen girl’s bible study.  Young girls from Valle (Valley of the Angels) meet with us in a little church.  Ms. Lisa and I have scheduled topics that we feel are important for these girls.  The girls have so much energy and are thirsty for love and attention.  It can be challenging because they have a difficult time focusing and really listening to what we want to say.  However, God is allowing us to love on them and spend time with them, and sometimes that can be just what people need.

 Hard to believe that I only have four months left in Honduras.  God has already spoken to my heart about where my path may lead.  My heart has been burdened for people who need love and a voice, and God has shown me that He desires for me to continue with missions.  While my path may take me away from Honduras, I have said many times before that we are all called to be missionaries.  There are needs in all corners of the earth.  Along with having the opportunity to live in Honduras, God has opened another door for me to travel to Africa.  In July, I will spend two weeks in Kenya.  During my time in Kenya, I will be ministering to the local people, helping to finish building a school for orphaned children and loving on those on those sweet children.  I am eternally grateful that God is orchestrating opportunities for me and many others to serve Him around the world.  My prayer is that you would pray for these ministries, the people and for the needs of so many.  Pray that they would be met and pray that God will burden your heart for how you can help serve.  I know that sometimes we cannot be the one to actually go, however, God allows us to serve by giving to those who can go.  For what you have already given and for what is to come, thank you for your spiritual support and for your financial support.  Changing lives and spreading the love of Christ in Honduras and Africa would not be possible without generous hearts.  I am simply the body that God is using and you are just as much a part of this as I am.

If you would like to support this mission in Honduras or my upcoming mission to Africa, you may e-mail me or write a check to Lauren Wood (please send to Canton First Baptist Church Canton, NC 28716 and write Honduras or Africa in the memo blank). 

When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them.  Always be eager to practice hospitality.

Romans 12:13

I am ruined

It has taken these last couple of weeks but I feel like I am finally getting back into the swing of things. Talk about an adjustment when you go from a third world country to the U.S. and then back to a third world country.  My brain was on overload.  I’m hoping that these beginning weeks of 2012 are treating everyone well.  I am overjoyed to say that God has already showed up in a big way in my life and within in the lives of some of the other teachers.  I’m so thankful for God answering prayers and working in ways that only He can.

I wanted to get you up to speed on what’s going on with me and the ministries here in Honduras. 

To be honest, school has been a little boring the past two weeks.  We have exams this week, so our time has been spent working on study guides, review and then repeat.  It tends to get a little monotonous.  To add some excitement, the kids participated in a school-wide project last week.  They had to recreate the national shield of Honduras.  Despite my lack of artistic ability, I think I did a pretty good job drawing the shield.  The kids colored and decorated; they used natural elements (dirt, pine needles, flowers) to accent the designs.  I think it turned out great!  We will finish exams this week and I look forward to getting back to a normal schedule.

Students working hard on their project.

The finished product.

I was so excited to get back to our ministry in Los Estados Unidos (the gang village).  I think they were thrilled to see us, too!  We usually spend the afternoon at one house talking with the women and playing with the kids, but this past Monday was a little different.  Mama Tye (the lead pastor’s wife) came with us and we spent the afternoon walking to different homes and praying over the families.  Mama Tye’s main ministry is the 18^th Street gang; she visits the prison once a week to minister to the men there.  They love her and because of her work, we are able to work with their families in Los Estados Unidos.  It feels like we are all one big family.  There is so much love that is shared when we are all together.  After talking with our usual group of women, we went to other homes and visited.  We visited an older couple that just recently had a baby.  They have 3 young daughters, a son and now a new baby girl.  They named the baby, Ginger Tyanne, after Mama Tye.  They are the most beautiful family and actually had the baby dedicated at church yesterday.  While talking with this family, the dad shared that he has been without work for 4 months and they have had no money at all.  However, he shared that God has provided every meal for his family.  Incredible, isn’t it?  For those of you who financially support me being here, I was able to give money to help their family.  We also met with a lady and her two children.  The lady runs a pulperia (corner store) and would not let us leave without giving us free drinks and chips.  Her oldest son is in prison for gang activity and the police invade her home on a regular basis.  Because of the invasions, her teenage daughter has panic attacks every time a police officer comes around.  The hurt in this young girl’s eyes was indescribable.  Mama Tye renamed her “Joy” because she smiled for us during our visit.  We walked down the mountain to a family that lived near the river.  I have seen severe poverty since I’ve been here, but what we saw there was something I have never been exposed to.  To get to this family, we had to walk on a 2-foot wide dirt path down the mountain.  When you looked to your left, you saw straight down a mountain that was heaping with garbage.  It literally was a trash mountain.  There is an entire family – grandmother, mothers and about 20 children – that live in this area.  They had small shacks for homes and there were dogs everywhere.  They raise pigs, so you can imagine the smell.  The river is literally right below them and it was full of sewage, trash and just about everything else.  The children were crowded around, most of them not fully dressed.  There was a group of young girls huddled around the outdoor water basin, washing dishes in dirty water.  To say that I felt sick to my stomach and heartbroken is an understatement.  I was standing there in my nice clothes, expensive new boots, clean from having taken a shower that day and physically satisfied because of having food to eat, while the family standing around me was impoverished in every single way.  I am still trying to wrap my mind around the circumstances and way of life for so many in this world.  I had the privilege of praying over this family, and after the prayer, Mama Tye went and spoke with the grandmother about her son who is in prison for gang activity.  The grandmother began to cry and went back in her house because she said it hurt too badly to hear about him. 

You can’t help but view the world differently after seeing the hurts of these people.  When I came home for Christmas, I felt estranged almost because the world around you is so different from the world you knew before.  Everything was so clean at home and so accessible and easy.  Honestly, being home scared me because it was so easy to fit back into that lifestyle – driving a nice car, going out to eat and sleeping in a warm house.  Again, everything is easy.  Then you come back here and you look into the eyes of these people and they all tell a story.  Can any of us really imagine living in constant fear?  Fear that our husbands, brothers and sons may be taken away in the night.  Fear that we may not eat for days, and when we do eat, it is a small portion of rice.  Fear that our children may get severely sick because your home is surrounded by sewage and you have no way of getting clean water.  I tried to think of what my attitude and feelings would be if I had grown up a little Honduran girl.  These children begin laboring at such a young age, even if it’s simply washing dishes and clothes.  I thought about how many times I have complained about helping my mom out with chores and how many times I have heard kids today complain about the same things.  Shame on us.  I 100% believe that everyone needs to experience being in a third world country.  However, I have seen it and I want nothing more than to help fix it, but there is so much.  It is a hopeless and angry feeling.  Hopeless because we all know that there are people who will say they want to help but never do, and angry because we live in a world that allows it to happen.  While talking to one of the other missionaries about such feelings, she told me that when you decide to leave the United States and live in an impoverished area, you are forever “ruined.”  That is the perfect term.  Never again will I view things the way I did before. 

I am begging you, for the people in Honduras and other countries around the world, please find a way to contribute.  Please don’t throw food away; if you do not have a use for it, take it to the local soup kitchen or find a use for it.  Please find a good cause for giving away clothing or other items; if you are not wearing it and are not going to wear it, give it to someone who will.  Collect your loose change and donate it.  Sign-up for an international mission trip.  And when we all sit down to eat that $5, $10, $15 or more meal, think of those who are digging through dumpsters and make the decision to make a difference.  Everything we have was given to us from God.  It is not ours, but His.  What are we doing with what HE has given us?

This is Gabrielle.  His father, Demon, is the leader of the 18th Street gang.

Sweet girl!

Some of the girls from Los Estados Unidos.

These children were selling donuts for like !0 cents.  The little boy said he showered and got dressed up just to go out and sell them.

Kids playing in the street.

The house we meet in every week.

Visiting with a family.

Sisters

The baby, Ginger Tyanne, was named after Mama Tye.