Sunday, September 18, 2011

I can't get no satisfaction

Hello world!  Hope this post finds you all well, as I hear that fall is making its way into the states.  Surprisingly, it has been chilly and very rainy here.  I don't really like the rain, but the cool air brings a reminder and comfort of home.  I have been a bum for the past couple of in sweatpants and oversized sweatshirts, sipping coffee, and trying new recipes.  We had a couple days off from school for Honduras' Independence Day.  When I wasn't livng the bum life, I did venture out to the valley to experience the annual Independence Day parade.  I hate to report that it put the Canton parades to shame.  Boistrous and colorful music played continuoulsy, along with the "traditional" fair was wonderful and definitely made up for me missing Labor Day at home.  I am happy to report that I am finding comfort in being here.  My heart still misses family, friends, American food (Starbucks, especially), and other little things, but I feel that I have found a piece of my "groove" in being here.

Now, the lesson of the week.  I continue to have heartfelt conversations with my parents, and shout-out to my dad for always being quick to respond to my e-mails and get on skype in the wee hours of the morning when I just need an ear to listen.  For those of you who read my last post, I shared that I had been struggling with finding happiness as a single girl and how I have been praying and looking for God to show me any iittle insight as to my purpose in being here, rather, my purpose in general.  Well, I'm still praying for all of those things.  This week, I have been battling against the issue of seeing myself the way God sees me.  Harmless jokes have been made, and like a normal girl, I find myself comparing my body and other things to those around me.  I will admit that I have always been someone who is always trying to "fix" something about myself; my weight, my hair, my skin, etc.  As women, I think we constantly seek acceptance and glimmers of hope from everyone and everything.  (Sidenote: I have watched the Notebook like 4 times in the last 3 days, so this doesn't help anything).  When I picture my life and what I hope for, I have so many "things" I wish to accomplish.  Moving to another country and loving a different culture and people has been on my heart for a long time.  That is why I am so frustrated and confused as to why I am already praying about and desiring other things.  I feel like I keep getting blindsided by every insecurity I have ever had.  In being here, I feel so completely vulnerable.  I want to live, and I mean really LIVE.  Moving to Honduras and experiencing a different way of everythings, is living to a full extent, right?  But I still constantly long for more.  I guess this is kind of a reoccuring theme for my time here.  I asked my dad if he thought that you could ever be completely satisfied with what you are doing with your life?  So, I ask you find yourself completely satisfied or are you still longing for "more"? What is it that you want for your life and are you willing to work and sacrifice to get there?  I sit in bed at night and sometimes don't even know what to say to God; sometimes I just need to sit quietly in His presence.  Those are the times when I feel that I can breathe without having a flood of thoughts.  I know that God calls us to constantly grow and go, but is there a happy-medium?  Can you grow and not go?  Or vice-versa?  Am I growing?  I realize that I have been asking myself that question a lot.  It's funny really, after losing myself - my identity, in relationships, I prayed and prayed for God to show me who I was and who He wanted me to be.  During the last year or so, I truly felt that I found who I was and who I was in Christ.  That all changed when I got here.  Now, I feel like I am swimming and pushing through the waves of an unknown identity.  Who am I?  Who are you?  Who does Christ want us to be?  I wish I could answer that question for all of us.  Until the answer comes, I will be praying, waiting, hoping that God breaks down my walls and that I finally become the woman God wants me to be.  I pray that you are seeking who it is God wants you to be.  I spent too many years living for me and working to become who I thought I should be.  As I have found, it has been in those quiet moments alone that the only thing that brings me comfort, is the hope and longing for God to take-over, and the promise that He will.  Until next week...

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2:10

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