53...that's how many days I have left in Honduras. I've been experiencing a sense of deja vu lately because I am being asked the same questions I was getting before I moved. "Are you excited? Are you nervous? How do you feel? Are you ready?" Funny thing is, I don't really know how I feel. I have days where I'm so ready to go home and live a "normal" life again. Yesterday was one of those days. All I wanted was to get in my car and drive wherever I wanted. I feel like I'm yearning for freedom, but what I've realized is that this "freedom" I am so longing for is usually centered around something of material worth. Can't really call that freedom. Other days, it terrifies me to think about leaving. This has been my home for 8 months and there are so many people that are now a part of my life. Not to mention, there are some decisions I will have to face and make when I get home. I'm not so sure that I'm ready for some of it.
Want to know something crazy? Part of me worries that my friends won't like me as much anymore. I'm not the same person. Now, yes, I am still "me" in a lot of ways, but a lot about me has changed. Interests that I had before do not seem like such a big deal anymore. While I was home over Christmas, there were times when I found myself having a hard time connecting to certain conversations because I felt distant or like I couldn't relate anymore. This goes back to the whole "ruined" thing...the mission field ruins you forever.
For those of you who didn't know, my family came to visit me last week. It was the most incredible time and a tremendous blessing! Be on the lookout in the next few days...they are going to guest blog. Anyway...having my family here really brought to reality the fact that I'm moving home in 53 days. Now, us missionaries don't really make a lot of money, so looks like I'll be moving in with the parents. This is another aspect that terrifies me. I love my family, but I haven't lived at home since I was 18 years old. Honestly, I feel kind of lame...25 years old and moving in with mom and dad. I've been independent for so long. I am not doubting my decision to come home; I feel 110% confident. However, I am still human and selfishly want so many things. I want a job in a middle school, I want to coach cheerleading, I want my own place, I want to volunteer, I want to go to grad school...basically, I want everything I can possibly fit on my plate . I think God tends to laugh at me on a regular basis. I will make plans, worry, make plans and worry some more until I'm blue in the face. For example, I have e-mailed principals, updated applications/resumes, reserached organizations and grad school and everything in between. Do you think I've heard anything? Why no! I think there is this thing called trust, but I'm still working on that one.
Basically, I'm kind of all over the place. Not really sure what I'm thinking about anything. All I know is that I'm itching to do something great! But for now, I'm doing my Honduras-thing and trying to really live inside the 53.
If you feel led to support this mission in Honduras or my upcoming mission to Africa, please send donations to:
Canton First Baptist Church
Attn: Lauren Wood
74 Academy St.
Canton, NC 28716
*please specify "Honduras" or "Africa" on the memo line
Thank you for your continuous support through prayer, encouragement and financial donation(s). It is because of your generous hearts that so many lives have been and will continue to be helped and provided for! I am forever grateful!